At the Edge

Today I crashed. The last few months have caught up with me.

We watched Campbell today as we do every wednesday. She entertained herself--dressed up in her scarves, jewelry, wig, and spike heeled shoes and was as good as a three-year-0ld can be. Very easy day as far as baby-sitting goes.

She and I were going to the library, Target, and Children's Place so that Jim could rest but when we finally got ready to go, we didn't have a carseat. Chris had forgotten to leave the seat which they borrowed yesterday for Tara. Chris is understandably distracted because his grandma died yesterday after a 7 month battle with pancreatic cancer. He and Ashleigh are trying to get ready to go to Shreveport for the funeral.

No harm actually done because CAmpbell was happy to stay here and play but when my plans were thwarted I realized I am hanging by a thread. Jim went to West Clinic for bloodwork. (Dr. Rios called last night at 10 and this morning at 7.) He prescribed a different painkiller and ordered a blood panel.

I ran the dishwasher and the machine stopped mid-cycle. The 23 year-old artifact gave up the ghost. We had long been expecting the demise but still it is hard to let the old gal go. The thought of buying a new one nearly did me in, too--another indication of my fragile state-of-mind.

Then I put Campbell down for a nap, thinking I would get a nap at the same time, but Campbell had a different idea. Everytime I was about to drift off, she said, "Gigi, I'm not sleepy." Neither threats nor bribery convinced her. She took the bonnet off the teddy bear and put it on her head; she got out of bed to get her water; she sang songs. Finally we gave up and got up.

By then Jim was home from the doctor waiting for the computer man. Yes, the computer was down in addition to the air conditioner and the dishwasher. He said please go upstairs and take a nap. This is where the caregiver guilt kicks in. I tried to sleep but kept thinking, I can't leave him alone down there with all these problems. He's the one with cancer. He needs to rest.


I remember having these same feelings 6 years ago. I don't want to be the responsible party. I want to be the irresponsible party. I don't want to make any decisions. The problem is I am not willing to reliquish control and let someone else make them. The universe is conspiring against me. Even the appliances are in revolt. I'm sure the washing machine is planning a breakdown too but first I intend to have mine.