November will mark ten years since we had the first of what would become a long string of anxiety provoking diagnostic tests. You might think that by now I am an expert in managing the stress surrounding these scans. You think wrong.
I have always been plagued by test anxiety, but careful preparation kept the nerves in check. Even now, with my school days long past, I awaken in a sweat from nightmares in which I neglected to study for some big exam—a scenario that never happened in real life. I was far too motivated by fear of failure to let that happen.
Now ACTs and SATs have been replaced by CATs and PETs. Unfortunately, studying does nothing to alleviate the anxiety preceding these tests. There is no way to prepare for this kind of test—and there is a lot more riding on the results.
Tomorrow we will walk the four blocks to the oncologist’s office for our two o’clock appointment. If we are lucky, the nurse will call us back to the inner sanctum by three. I’ll work on my crossword puzzle or read a book while listening for the doctor to approach the room. More than likely he will not yet have looked at the scans. I may hear him on the phone discussing results with the radiologist—usually bad news if it requires discussion. Finally, he enters the room. After two hours, or more accurately, two days of waiting, my stomach is upset. What will the verdict be? New Growth. It's back. We see something suspicious. Or those most welcome of words: All clear.
Will we pass the test? God only knows.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
When FaceBook Becomes Toxic
I like FaceBook. At best, it is a marvelous marketing tool and a connector of people with similar interests. I love keeping up with friends, seeing pictures of old schoolmates, and hearing about activities of far-off relatives. I get new recipes, healthy living tips, and book recommendations.
At worst, it is a colossal waste of time, a tool for procrastination, and a source of tremendous stress. FaceBook exposure can even lead to a newly identified malady—Face Book depression. Although unrecognized by the American Psychological Association :) the Urban Dictionary defines it thus:
“When you're on FaceBook and see your friends looking like they're living amazing lives while you're feeling like you're just barely making it and you become sadder and sadder with each update you see.”
FaceBook provides a digital replacement for the much-maligned, often ridiculed, stereotypical Christmas newsletter. You know the kind. “We had to cut our trip to Rome short to make it home in time for little John’s graduation from Harvard. Hard to believe he’s our third to graduate magna cum laude from an Ivy League school. Deidre is enjoying married life and so grateful that she can be a stay at home mom since Gottfried sold the business to Dell last year. Both of the grandchildren will be in camps this summer—Hermione at Interlochen and Sebastian at the Duke Early Talent Identification Program. You may have read about Oliver’s grant for cancer research. We’re so proud of him. Just hoping they can all find time to visit us in the Hamptons this summer.”
Cancer patients and caregivers are particularly vulnerable to this “grass is greener” phenomenon. When your only vacation is to a comprehensive cancer center for scans or treatment, reading about tropical get-aways replete with poolside service and turned down beds, rubs salt in an already painful wound. When your exercise consists of running up and down steps to take care of your husband, watching your friends skiing down mountaintops is a bit hard to take.
If your mood takes a plummet after a stint on FB, you might try:
1. Limiting your exposure. FaceBook can be addictive. You don’t need to get on every day. Try every other day or once a week or you might even consider abstinence.
2. Clean out your friend list. If there are particular people whose posts rub you the wrong way, temporarily block them. The gag reflex is a good measure of which friends should go.
3. Find some new “friends.” Search for pages that have a positive effect. I, for instance, “like” Lung Cancer Alliance, Lungevity, Caregiver, WTF (Where’s the Funding for Lung Cancer), and other pages that are either informative or uplifting.
4. Don’t feel guilty if reading about others’ good fortune is difficult. There are times when you have to protect yourself by separating from anything or anyone who brings you down—intentionally or more often, thoughtlessly.
At worst, it is a colossal waste of time, a tool for procrastination, and a source of tremendous stress. FaceBook exposure can even lead to a newly identified malady—Face Book depression. Although unrecognized by the American Psychological Association :) the Urban Dictionary defines it thus:
“When you're on FaceBook and see your friends looking like they're living amazing lives while you're feeling like you're just barely making it and you become sadder and sadder with each update you see.”
FaceBook provides a digital replacement for the much-maligned, often ridiculed, stereotypical Christmas newsletter. You know the kind. “We had to cut our trip to Rome short to make it home in time for little John’s graduation from Harvard. Hard to believe he’s our third to graduate magna cum laude from an Ivy League school. Deidre is enjoying married life and so grateful that she can be a stay at home mom since Gottfried sold the business to Dell last year. Both of the grandchildren will be in camps this summer—Hermione at Interlochen and Sebastian at the Duke Early Talent Identification Program. You may have read about Oliver’s grant for cancer research. We’re so proud of him. Just hoping they can all find time to visit us in the Hamptons this summer.”
Cancer patients and caregivers are particularly vulnerable to this “grass is greener” phenomenon. When your only vacation is to a comprehensive cancer center for scans or treatment, reading about tropical get-aways replete with poolside service and turned down beds, rubs salt in an already painful wound. When your exercise consists of running up and down steps to take care of your husband, watching your friends skiing down mountaintops is a bit hard to take.
If your mood takes a plummet after a stint on FB, you might try:
1. Limiting your exposure. FaceBook can be addictive. You don’t need to get on every day. Try every other day or once a week or you might even consider abstinence.
2. Clean out your friend list. If there are particular people whose posts rub you the wrong way, temporarily block them. The gag reflex is a good measure of which friends should go.
3. Find some new “friends.” Search for pages that have a positive effect. I, for instance, “like” Lung Cancer Alliance, Lungevity, Caregiver, WTF (Where’s the Funding for Lung Cancer), and other pages that are either informative or uplifting.
4. Don’t feel guilty if reading about others’ good fortune is difficult. There are times when you have to protect yourself by separating from anything or anyone who brings you down—intentionally or more often, thoughtlessly.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The remaining resolutions concern time management.
Keeping my other resolutions—blog more regularly, juicing, daily Bible reading, more frequent exercise—requires better time management.
Lack of time is a fundamental stressor in the life of a caregiver. Finding time for oneself is often impossible. This was true for me even before I became a writer. Three years ago when I first began writing for publication, I pared down my schedule and adjusted my priorities so that I would have time to take care of my husband and fulfill my own desire to write. Giving up tennis gave me ample time to write, publish, and market my first book.
Writers are great procrastinators. As time passed, I’ve found ways to waste the time I gained. If I vow to write for an hour each day, I sit down at the computer and waste 30 or 45 minutes reading emails and checking facebook, my favorite shopping sites, and e-bay. By the time I get around to working on my book, articles, or blog, I am sleepy or hungry. Once I get up from my work station, I am likely not to return.
I’m trying something different this year. Instead of devoting an hour a day to business, I am committing to ½ hour. And most important, I don’t do anything else on the computer until that time is up. No facebook, no Pinterest, no emails until I’ve done something constructive. Surprisingly, getting started is half the battle. When the half hour ends, I often plunge ahead with what I’m working on.
I encourage you to consider how you are spending your time. Can you become a better time manager? Take a look at those activities that suck precious minutes from your day. Would you be better off without them? Such pastimes can masquerade as tension relievers but actually result in creating tension when they keep you from productive activities (exercise, Bible Study, social interaction, reading). Maybe you need to limit your time on Facebook or computer games.
Betty White summed up my feelings about Facebook when she hosted Saturday Night Live:
“I didn’t know what Facebook was, and now that I do know what it is, I have to say, it sounds like a huge waste of time. I would never say the people on it are losers, but that’s only because I’m polite. People say ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well at my age, if I wanna connect with old friends, I need a Ouija Board. Needless to say, we didn’t have Facebook when I was growing up. We had phonebook, but you wouldn’t waste an afternoon with it.”
Right on, Betty!
Keeping my other resolutions—blog more regularly, juicing, daily Bible reading, more frequent exercise—requires better time management.
Lack of time is a fundamental stressor in the life of a caregiver. Finding time for oneself is often impossible. This was true for me even before I became a writer. Three years ago when I first began writing for publication, I pared down my schedule and adjusted my priorities so that I would have time to take care of my husband and fulfill my own desire to write. Giving up tennis gave me ample time to write, publish, and market my first book.
Writers are great procrastinators. As time passed, I’ve found ways to waste the time I gained. If I vow to write for an hour each day, I sit down at the computer and waste 30 or 45 minutes reading emails and checking facebook, my favorite shopping sites, and e-bay. By the time I get around to working on my book, articles, or blog, I am sleepy or hungry. Once I get up from my work station, I am likely not to return.
I’m trying something different this year. Instead of devoting an hour a day to business, I am committing to ½ hour. And most important, I don’t do anything else on the computer until that time is up. No facebook, no Pinterest, no emails until I’ve done something constructive. Surprisingly, getting started is half the battle. When the half hour ends, I often plunge ahead with what I’m working on.
I encourage you to consider how you are spending your time. Can you become a better time manager? Take a look at those activities that suck precious minutes from your day. Would you be better off without them? Such pastimes can masquerade as tension relievers but actually result in creating tension when they keep you from productive activities (exercise, Bible Study, social interaction, reading). Maybe you need to limit your time on Facebook or computer games.
Betty White summed up my feelings about Facebook when she hosted Saturday Night Live:
“I didn’t know what Facebook was, and now that I do know what it is, I have to say, it sounds like a huge waste of time. I would never say the people on it are losers, but that’s only because I’m polite. People say ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well at my age, if I wanna connect with old friends, I need a Ouija Board. Needless to say, we didn’t have Facebook when I was growing up. We had phonebook, but you wouldn’t waste an afternoon with it.”
Right on, Betty!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Witching Hour
This hour prior to our meeting with the oncologist is comparable to Washington Irvings witching hour--filled with fear,anxiety, and spooky spirits whispering, "Be very afraid."
For the first few days of our stay in Houston, I am able to distract myself with food and books and crossword puzzles. But then the inevitable, unavoidable hour arrives. The walk to the doctors office, the wait in the "waiting" room, the interminable minutes back in his office waiting for him to walk through the door. Hands shaking, heart pounding, I will try to engross myself in a novel but even that won't stop my mind from wandering.
I really have no idea whether the news will be good or bad; experience has taught me that my expectations frequently differ from the reality.Jim always expects the best; I pray for the best and try to prepare for the worst.
I know the Bible verses and believe me I am drawing on them: He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. I have not given you a spirit of fear... . Satan roams the earth like a roaring lion seeking whom he might devour. But "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." My body just seems to take over with the conditioned fear response.
Almost time to leave.
For the first few days of our stay in Houston, I am able to distract myself with food and books and crossword puzzles. But then the inevitable, unavoidable hour arrives. The walk to the doctors office, the wait in the "waiting" room, the interminable minutes back in his office waiting for him to walk through the door. Hands shaking, heart pounding, I will try to engross myself in a novel but even that won't stop my mind from wandering.
I really have no idea whether the news will be good or bad; experience has taught me that my expectations frequently differ from the reality.Jim always expects the best; I pray for the best and try to prepare for the worst.
I know the Bible verses and believe me I am drawing on them: He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. I have not given you a spirit of fear... . Satan roams the earth like a roaring lion seeking whom he might devour. But "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." My body just seems to take over with the conditioned fear response.
Almost time to leave.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Cancer and Anger
People dealing with chronic illnesses (and cancer, thankfully, has become a chronic illness for many lucky ones) are often expected to put on a happy face to greet a world oblivious to their problems. Is it possible to maintain a civil attitude and pleasant outlook when you are living with daily pain?
It’s tough to play the “glad game” when your joints are aching, your neuropathy is in full force, or your head is throbbing with another migraine. If, in fact, Pollyanna were to suggest that you look on the bright side, you might want to land a punch in her ever-pleasant puss or mow her down with your motorized walker.
Most of us don’t fall short in putting on a happy face, rather we overdo it and put on a happy face too often. Everyone I know (my husband included) who is living with pain and fatigue, doesn’t complain enough!
Anger is a normal reaction to a situation in which we feel a lack of control. The problem arises when anger is expressed inappropriately or when it is not expressed at all. Anger suppressed becomes depression. “Doctors are just beginning to understand how dangerous internalized anger is. Repressing it, internalizing it, turning it back on ourselves, swallowing it, storing it within us, inhibiting it, burying it, ''eating it,'' "stuffing it," can have catastrophic results for our health.”
How then can we get rid of our pent-up anger and not alienate everyone around us? Here are a few suggestions—not shoulds-- which only add more guilt to the load you’re carrying.
1.Don’t keep your happy face on all day. It’s exhausting. Holding anger in, repressing feelings drains us of energy that we need to cope with everyday activities. Find a safe place to express your feelings without fear of judgment—a support group or a friend you can phone.
2.Set aside a reasonable amount of time each day to vent, complain, cry, or shout from the rooftop. When the time is over, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on.
3.If you’re having an especially bad day, indulge yourself without guilt. Stay in bed. Read a book. Sleep.
4.Remember that you have a right to your feelings and a need to express them. Don’t suffer in silence, but be prepared for some negative reactions if your family is used to your “stiff upper lip.”
5.Laugh. Bill Cosby said, “Through humor you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” 2 Whether laughter actually plays a role in healing has not been scientifically determined, but few deny its beneficial contribution to well-being. Norman Cousins, a writer, editor and humanitarian was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis, a painful and progressive disease of the connective tissue. “Nothing is less funny than being flat on your back with all the bones in your spine and joints hurting,” he wrote. Convinced of the benefits of laughter, he developed a program of humor therapy—surrounding himself with positive people and a diet of funny movies. “It worked,” he said, “I made the joyous discovery that ten minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep.”
6.Try Laughter Yoga. This doesn’t mean that you try yoga and the class laughs. Laughter Yoga is a variation of yoga introduced by a physician in India that is now practiced in fifty-three countries. Laughter gives the participants a sense of control over their disease. If your community doesn’t offer this program, try Pilates or regular yoga. Both are stress-relieving and body strengthening.
7.Take control of your thoughts. There are many things beyond your control—your mind is not one of them. In Philippians 4:8 Paul tells us, “Whatever is true, whatever is pure, whatever is lively, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” If this weren’t possible, God wouldn’t expect us do to it. But He made us with the ability to control our thoughts and direct our minds even when we can’t control our bodies. As irritating as Pollyanna might have been, she was onto something.
Once you have given vent your feelings, indulged in some laughter, and focused on the positive, you might find it easier to meet the unrealistic expectations of friends and relatives. If my suggestions don’t work, I recommend knocking Pollyanna to her knobby knees. It may not be an appropriate expression of anger but I guarantee it will be satisfying.
It’s tough to play the “glad game” when your joints are aching, your neuropathy is in full force, or your head is throbbing with another migraine. If, in fact, Pollyanna were to suggest that you look on the bright side, you might want to land a punch in her ever-pleasant puss or mow her down with your motorized walker.
Most of us don’t fall short in putting on a happy face, rather we overdo it and put on a happy face too often. Everyone I know (my husband included) who is living with pain and fatigue, doesn’t complain enough!
Anger is a normal reaction to a situation in which we feel a lack of control. The problem arises when anger is expressed inappropriately or when it is not expressed at all. Anger suppressed becomes depression. “Doctors are just beginning to understand how dangerous internalized anger is. Repressing it, internalizing it, turning it back on ourselves, swallowing it, storing it within us, inhibiting it, burying it, ''eating it,'' "stuffing it," can have catastrophic results for our health.”
How then can we get rid of our pent-up anger and not alienate everyone around us? Here are a few suggestions—not shoulds-- which only add more guilt to the load you’re carrying.
1.Don’t keep your happy face on all day. It’s exhausting. Holding anger in, repressing feelings drains us of energy that we need to cope with everyday activities. Find a safe place to express your feelings without fear of judgment—a support group or a friend you can phone.
2.Set aside a reasonable amount of time each day to vent, complain, cry, or shout from the rooftop. When the time is over, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on.
3.If you’re having an especially bad day, indulge yourself without guilt. Stay in bed. Read a book. Sleep.
4.Remember that you have a right to your feelings and a need to express them. Don’t suffer in silence, but be prepared for some negative reactions if your family is used to your “stiff upper lip.”
5.Laugh. Bill Cosby said, “Through humor you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.” 2 Whether laughter actually plays a role in healing has not been scientifically determined, but few deny its beneficial contribution to well-being. Norman Cousins, a writer, editor and humanitarian was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis, a painful and progressive disease of the connective tissue. “Nothing is less funny than being flat on your back with all the bones in your spine and joints hurting,” he wrote. Convinced of the benefits of laughter, he developed a program of humor therapy—surrounding himself with positive people and a diet of funny movies. “It worked,” he said, “I made the joyous discovery that ten minutes of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least two hours of pain-free sleep.”
6.Try Laughter Yoga. This doesn’t mean that you try yoga and the class laughs. Laughter Yoga is a variation of yoga introduced by a physician in India that is now practiced in fifty-three countries. Laughter gives the participants a sense of control over their disease. If your community doesn’t offer this program, try Pilates or regular yoga. Both are stress-relieving and body strengthening.
7.Take control of your thoughts. There are many things beyond your control—your mind is not one of them. In Philippians 4:8 Paul tells us, “Whatever is true, whatever is pure, whatever is lively, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” If this weren’t possible, God wouldn’t expect us do to it. But He made us with the ability to control our thoughts and direct our minds even when we can’t control our bodies. As irritating as Pollyanna might have been, she was onto something.
Once you have given vent your feelings, indulged in some laughter, and focused on the positive, you might find it easier to meet the unrealistic expectations of friends and relatives. If my suggestions don’t work, I recommend knocking Pollyanna to her knobby knees. It may not be an appropriate expression of anger but I guarantee it will be satisfying.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Living on the Edge
"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp -- or what's a heaven for?" Robert Browning.
I am not a particularly adventurous person. I have never wanted to travel to exotic places, eat unfamiliar foods, climb glaciers, or jump out of airplanes. I am not a thrill seeker. I don’t skate on thin ice, ride on bald tires, or swim in the ocean at sunset. I don’t invite catastrophe. Although I respond well in a crisis, I wouldn’t go out of my way to create one.
My idea of living on the edge is eating raw cookie dough (I knew the appeal before Ben and Jerry), riding in the parking lot without a seat belt, or taking cough medicine beyond its expiration date. And once I belonged to a glue sniffing club.
Let me explain that last one. As an only child I had a variety of rather strange pastimes one of which was putting together model airplanes and boats. I had a best friend who was equally imaginative and definitely more adventurous than I. We had no idea in 1956 of the dangers of glue vapors. Sniffing anything--except maybe Vicks Vapor Rub—was a completely foreign idea. We just knew that we liked the smell of model airplane glue. So we formed a club. (We had exclusive clubs for everything in those days.). On rainy afternoons when we were tired of comic books, we would go into her grandfather’s radio room and squeeze small puddles of the stuff onto paper and inhale the fumes. Neither of us suffered any brain damage—well, sometimes I wonder about her.
If we had been warned about the dangers of glue sniffing, I assure you I wouldn’t have sniffed. I’m rule governed—a natural born referee, playing by the rules and expecting everyone else to do the same. My daughter cringes when we line up for a sale at Tuesday Morning, knowing that if someone dares to cut in line, I will glare at them, daring them to make eye contact, so that I can direct them politely, but firmly, to the end of the line.
My mother always said “Let a word to the wise be sufficient.” And I pretty much heeded those words, not wanting to learn anything the hard way. My only rebellion consisted of keeping library books beyond their due date, swimming in the gravel pits when my mother strictly forbade it (I never dove just jumped), and parking on lover’s lane with my boy friend. I figured I could handle the danger in the car, and was willing to risk the dangers outside the car.
I do sound boring, but before you mark me off your list of people you would like to know better, I’d like to say that though I am prudent, I am courageous when called to be. Courage is not lack of fear but acting in spite of fear. Think of all that you failed to accomplish because you were afraid. Winston Churchill said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
I like to think of myself as a calculated risk taker, willing to step out in faith and risk ridicule, failure, or disappointment to accomplish a worthwhile goal. This behavior gets more difficult as we grow older and more set in our ways. Too often we get in ruts that inhibit our growth and self actualization.
When Jim was diagnosed with cancer we evaluated our lives and decided what was important. What things did we love to do? What did we hate doing? Could we eliminate some of those things that caused us stress and unhappiness to make time for new endeavors? When faced with a terminal illness, you realize how short life is--too short to let fear prevent you from pursuing your dreams.
In my next blog entry, I will tell you how to get out of your rut and make positive changes in your life.
I am not a particularly adventurous person. I have never wanted to travel to exotic places, eat unfamiliar foods, climb glaciers, or jump out of airplanes. I am not a thrill seeker. I don’t skate on thin ice, ride on bald tires, or swim in the ocean at sunset. I don’t invite catastrophe. Although I respond well in a crisis, I wouldn’t go out of my way to create one.
My idea of living on the edge is eating raw cookie dough (I knew the appeal before Ben and Jerry), riding in the parking lot without a seat belt, or taking cough medicine beyond its expiration date. And once I belonged to a glue sniffing club.
Let me explain that last one. As an only child I had a variety of rather strange pastimes one of which was putting together model airplanes and boats. I had a best friend who was equally imaginative and definitely more adventurous than I. We had no idea in 1956 of the dangers of glue vapors. Sniffing anything--except maybe Vicks Vapor Rub—was a completely foreign idea. We just knew that we liked the smell of model airplane glue. So we formed a club. (We had exclusive clubs for everything in those days.). On rainy afternoons when we were tired of comic books, we would go into her grandfather’s radio room and squeeze small puddles of the stuff onto paper and inhale the fumes. Neither of us suffered any brain damage—well, sometimes I wonder about her.
If we had been warned about the dangers of glue sniffing, I assure you I wouldn’t have sniffed. I’m rule governed—a natural born referee, playing by the rules and expecting everyone else to do the same. My daughter cringes when we line up for a sale at Tuesday Morning, knowing that if someone dares to cut in line, I will glare at them, daring them to make eye contact, so that I can direct them politely, but firmly, to the end of the line.
My mother always said “Let a word to the wise be sufficient.” And I pretty much heeded those words, not wanting to learn anything the hard way. My only rebellion consisted of keeping library books beyond their due date, swimming in the gravel pits when my mother strictly forbade it (I never dove just jumped), and parking on lover’s lane with my boy friend. I figured I could handle the danger in the car, and was willing to risk the dangers outside the car.
I do sound boring, but before you mark me off your list of people you would like to know better, I’d like to say that though I am prudent, I am courageous when called to be. Courage is not lack of fear but acting in spite of fear. Think of all that you failed to accomplish because you were afraid. Winston Churchill said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
I like to think of myself as a calculated risk taker, willing to step out in faith and risk ridicule, failure, or disappointment to accomplish a worthwhile goal. This behavior gets more difficult as we grow older and more set in our ways. Too often we get in ruts that inhibit our growth and self actualization.
When Jim was diagnosed with cancer we evaluated our lives and decided what was important. What things did we love to do? What did we hate doing? Could we eliminate some of those things that caused us stress and unhappiness to make time for new endeavors? When faced with a terminal illness, you realize how short life is--too short to let fear prevent you from pursuing your dreams.
In my next blog entry, I will tell you how to get out of your rut and make positive changes in your life.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
At the Edge
Today I crashed. The last few months have caught up with me.
We watched Campbell today as we do every wednesday. She entertained herself--dressed up in her scarves, jewelry, wig, and spike heeled shoes and was as good as a three-year-0ld can be. Very easy day as far as baby-sitting goes.
She and I were going to the library, Target, and Children's Place so that Jim could rest but when we finally got ready to go, we didn't have a carseat. Chris had forgotten to leave the seat which they borrowed yesterday for Tara. Chris is understandably distracted because his grandma died yesterday after a 7 month battle with pancreatic cancer. He and Ashleigh are trying to get ready to go to Shreveport for the funeral.
No harm actually done because CAmpbell was happy to stay here and play but when my plans were thwarted I realized I am hanging by a thread. Jim went to West Clinic for bloodwork. (Dr. Rios called last night at 10 and this morning at 7.) He prescribed a different painkiller and ordered a blood panel.
I ran the dishwasher and the machine stopped mid-cycle. The 23 year-old artifact gave up the ghost. We had long been expecting the demise but still it is hard to let the old gal go. The thought of buying a new one nearly did me in, too--another indication of my fragile state-of-mind.
Then I put Campbell down for a nap, thinking I would get a nap at the same time, but Campbell had a different idea. Everytime I was about to drift off, she said, "Gigi, I'm not sleepy." Neither threats nor bribery convinced her. She took the bonnet off the teddy bear and put it on her head; she got out of bed to get her water; she sang songs. Finally we gave up and got up.
By then Jim was home from the doctor waiting for the computer man. Yes, the computer was down in addition to the air conditioner and the dishwasher. He said please go upstairs and take a nap. This is where the caregiver guilt kicks in. I tried to sleep but kept thinking, I can't leave him alone down there with all these problems. He's the one with cancer. He needs to rest.
I remember having these same feelings 6 years ago. I don't want to be the responsible party. I want to be the irresponsible party. I don't want to make any decisions. The problem is I am not willing to reliquish control and let someone else make them. The universe is conspiring against me. Even the appliances are in revolt. I'm sure the washing machine is planning a breakdown too but first I intend to have mine.
We watched Campbell today as we do every wednesday. She entertained herself--dressed up in her scarves, jewelry, wig, and spike heeled shoes and was as good as a three-year-0ld can be. Very easy day as far as baby-sitting goes.
She and I were going to the library, Target, and Children's Place so that Jim could rest but when we finally got ready to go, we didn't have a carseat. Chris had forgotten to leave the seat which they borrowed yesterday for Tara. Chris is understandably distracted because his grandma died yesterday after a 7 month battle with pancreatic cancer. He and Ashleigh are trying to get ready to go to Shreveport for the funeral.
No harm actually done because CAmpbell was happy to stay here and play but when my plans were thwarted I realized I am hanging by a thread. Jim went to West Clinic for bloodwork. (Dr. Rios called last night at 10 and this morning at 7.) He prescribed a different painkiller and ordered a blood panel.
I ran the dishwasher and the machine stopped mid-cycle. The 23 year-old artifact gave up the ghost. We had long been expecting the demise but still it is hard to let the old gal go. The thought of buying a new one nearly did me in, too--another indication of my fragile state-of-mind.
Then I put Campbell down for a nap, thinking I would get a nap at the same time, but Campbell had a different idea. Everytime I was about to drift off, she said, "Gigi, I'm not sleepy." Neither threats nor bribery convinced her. She took the bonnet off the teddy bear and put it on her head; she got out of bed to get her water; she sang songs. Finally we gave up and got up.
By then Jim was home from the doctor waiting for the computer man. Yes, the computer was down in addition to the air conditioner and the dishwasher. He said please go upstairs and take a nap. This is where the caregiver guilt kicks in. I tried to sleep but kept thinking, I can't leave him alone down there with all these problems. He's the one with cancer. He needs to rest.
I remember having these same feelings 6 years ago. I don't want to be the responsible party. I want to be the irresponsible party. I don't want to make any decisions. The problem is I am not willing to reliquish control and let someone else make them. The universe is conspiring against me. Even the appliances are in revolt. I'm sure the washing machine is planning a breakdown too but first I intend to have mine.
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