Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Test Anxiety

November will mark ten years since we had the first of what would become a long string of anxiety provoking diagnostic tests. You might think that by now I am an expert in managing the stress surrounding these scans. You think wrong.

I have always been plagued by test anxiety, but careful preparation kept the nerves in check. Even now, with my school days long past, I awaken in a sweat from nightmares in which I neglected to study for some big exam—a scenario that never happened in real life. I was far too motivated by fear of failure to let that happen.

Now ACTs and SATs have been replaced by CATs and PETs. Unfortunately, studying does nothing to alleviate the anxiety preceding these tests. There is no way to prepare for this kind of test—and there is a lot more riding on the results.

Tomorrow we will walk the four blocks to the oncologist’s office for our two o’clock appointment. If we are lucky, the nurse will call us back to the inner sanctum by three. I’ll work on my crossword puzzle or read a book while listening for the doctor to approach the room. More than likely he will not yet have looked at the scans. I may hear him on the phone discussing results with the radiologist—usually bad news if it requires discussion. Finally, he enters the room. After two hours, or more accurately, two days of waiting, my stomach is upset. What will the verdict be? New Growth. It's back. We see something suspicious. Or those most welcome of words: All clear.

Will we pass the test? God only knows.

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