Ten things Not to Say to a Caregiver

1. "God never gives you more than you can handle."
If you say this to a caregiver, you are implying she/he should be able to cope with whatever comes his way. God frequently gives us more than we can handle so that we learn to depend on Him.

2. "My dad (mom,friend, uncle) died from this kind of cancer."
Not what the loved one of a cancer patient wants to hear. Don't even mention death to someone in the midst of cancer battle.

3. "Did he smoke?"
Why do you need to know? Will it make you feel better if the patient got his "just desserts." No one deserves lung cancer--or any other kind. Maybe you're hoping to find a cause that exempts you from contracting the disease. Give up. No one is exempt.

4. "How long did they give him?" or "What's the prognosis?

Again, none of your business. Besides no one knows the answer.

5. "You should try alternative medicine. Chemo is a killer."
Trust me. Better minds than yours are developing treatment strategies. Pumpkin seeds might have helped your yeast infection, but cancer requires big guns.

6. "You should go to ________ for treatment."
Don't use the word "should" with a caregiver. If you have personal, positive experience with a reputable physician or treatment center you might pass on names.

7. "God will heal you--if you have enough faith."
Say nothing to add to the already heavy burden of the caregiver. This philosophy implies that the outcome of the cancer is directly proportional to the faith of the patient or his loved ones. Bull feathers!

8. "Everything will be all right."
Are you omniscient? Do you have ESP? A crystal ball? Then don't make predictions. Early in the cancer journey, the only "all right" I could have accepted was complete--and fast--healing.

9. "I know just how you feel."
I doubt it.

10."You just have to have faith."
Where might I get some?

Share your Burden

I must admit that I am having difficulty blogging about cancer. It seems to me that I have said everything there is to say and that you all must be as sick of hearing about cancer as I am of talking about it.
Yet I realize that with the book sales and media publicity, we are reaching a different audience--people who are newly diagnosed and looking to us for encouragement and direction. They are in the middle of a raging sea and I want to help them stay afloat.
Therefore,I will try to blog more regularly even if the subject isn't cancer related.

Today's advice for the those starting out on the journey--join a support group. If your loved one is too ill to attend, go alone. Sharing your burden will lighten your load. I love Matthew 11:28,30. "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." But sometimes it helps to talk to "someone with skin" as my three-year-old grandson once said. Paradoxically, the times when you feel least like reaching out are the times you most need to.

I know there aren't many faith based support groups [www.faithsupportgroup.com] but most major cancer centers offer support of some kind. Contact me and I might be able to make some suggestions.

New Hope

This is the second time in seven years we've been told that Jim is cancer free. The first time was after his surgery in 2002 when Dr. Rios told us that he was very pleased with the results of his post surgery scans which were clear of cancer. "This," he said, "is the beginning of a cure."

I didn't know enough about cancer at that time to recognize that news for the miracle it was. I didn't know how few people are able to have the surgery that puts them in that position. So many lung cancer patients are told, "It's inoperable."

I was unwilling to claim it as a miracle because I didn't want to appear naive. I had read that BAC was incurable and I believed it. I spent the next six years waiting for the other shoe to fall--and it did.

Now seven years later, we heard those magic words again. This time I am reaching out, claiming it as a miracle. Fewer than one percent of patients with stage 4 lung cancer survive for five years. Jim has had Stage 4 cancer for seven years. To be cancer free at this point means as Dr. Rios said 7 years ago: "This is the beginning of a cure." This time, I say why not? God can do anything.

"So call me a cockeyed optimist and say i'm incurably green but I'm stuck like a dope with this thing called hope and I can't get it out of my heart."

Yes, the cancer might come back, but--it might not. We have been given renewed hope and that in itself is a miracle.