I have tremendous sympathy for caregivers who are sick or for couples who both have cancer. The year following Jim's first surgery and treatment, I prayed that I would stay well and I didn't have so much as a sniffle! I must say that in the ensuing six years I have been in overall good health. I don't take that for granted.

This week has been a reminder of how blessed I've been. I started with a headache and sore throat on Tuesday, plied myself with Zicam and VitaminC (which probably does no good), and tried to convince myself that I wasn't sick. On Wed night I brought out the big gun, my favorite beddy-bye elixir--NYQUIL. I don't know whether it made me better but at least I slept.

By Friday night I succumbed and admitted that I must have a sinus infection with a cough. I could hardly wait to get to bed last night with my Vicks Vapo-rub, 12 hour nasal spray, a box of Kleenex, and my shot of Nyquil.

The bad news is that Jim has the cough, too.

He wanted to take something for his cough at bedtime. "Should I take prescription cough medicine (someone elses)?" he asked, having learned to depend on my expert medical advice, "Or should I take Nyquil?"

I was so concerned with getting some relief myself that I couldn't think straight. I tried to focus. What ingredients might be contraindicated with the multitude of super drugs he is taking? I should look it up on the computer. If I weren't dying I probably would. "Take Nyquil," I finally tell him as I head off for a hot bath.

Unfortunately I can't shirk my responsibility so easily. I spent the night listening for his breathing to be sure I hadn't killed him. Thank God, he seems fine this morning--but I'm still sick.

At the Edge

Today I crashed. The last few months have caught up with me.

We watched Campbell today as we do every wednesday. She entertained herself--dressed up in her scarves, jewelry, wig, and spike heeled shoes and was as good as a three-year-0ld can be. Very easy day as far as baby-sitting goes.

She and I were going to the library, Target, and Children's Place so that Jim could rest but when we finally got ready to go, we didn't have a carseat. Chris had forgotten to leave the seat which they borrowed yesterday for Tara. Chris is understandably distracted because his grandma died yesterday after a 7 month battle with pancreatic cancer. He and Ashleigh are trying to get ready to go to Shreveport for the funeral.

No harm actually done because CAmpbell was happy to stay here and play but when my plans were thwarted I realized I am hanging by a thread. Jim went to West Clinic for bloodwork. (Dr. Rios called last night at 10 and this morning at 7.) He prescribed a different painkiller and ordered a blood panel.

I ran the dishwasher and the machine stopped mid-cycle. The 23 year-old artifact gave up the ghost. We had long been expecting the demise but still it is hard to let the old gal go. The thought of buying a new one nearly did me in, too--another indication of my fragile state-of-mind.

Then I put Campbell down for a nap, thinking I would get a nap at the same time, but Campbell had a different idea. Everytime I was about to drift off, she said, "Gigi, I'm not sleepy." Neither threats nor bribery convinced her. She took the bonnet off the teddy bear and put it on her head; she got out of bed to get her water; she sang songs. Finally we gave up and got up.

By then Jim was home from the doctor waiting for the computer man. Yes, the computer was down in addition to the air conditioner and the dishwasher. He said please go upstairs and take a nap. This is where the caregiver guilt kicks in. I tried to sleep but kept thinking, I can't leave him alone down there with all these problems. He's the one with cancer. He needs to rest.


I remember having these same feelings 6 years ago. I don't want to be the responsible party. I want to be the irresponsible party. I don't want to make any decisions. The problem is I am not willing to reliquish control and let someone else make them. The universe is conspiring against me. Even the appliances are in revolt. I'm sure the washing machine is planning a breakdown too but first I intend to have mine.