For 5 yrs we have lived with the possiblility of a recurrence of Jim's lung cancer. The possibility has become a reality. They told us after his surgery that while they "got all of the visible cancer", the likelihood of microscopic disease somewhere else in the body was great.
This time the metastasis is in the soft tissue next to the spine.
I am somewhat surprised by my reaction. I wondered during those years of respite whether a recurrence would be as world-shattering as the original diagnosis. For me the answer is "no". I still maintain that nothing in this 5.5 year journey has been as bad as those first few months of panic and fear.
I won't use the word "peace" to describe my state of being. It's more like "resignation", far less positive than "peace". I hate the idea of having to make decisions again--which doctor, which treatment, which plans to change.
The responsibility of those decisions weighed heavy on me while taking care of my mother and now, when i have not yet recovered from her death, we are facing that whole process again.
There are feelings that i can't discuss, even on this blog, because, once again, I have to be positive for Jim and other family members.
I am serioulsly considering finding a psychologist who specializes in grief and chronic illness but it's just too much trouble.
